This journey begins today.....
3/16/05- ok so yes its been along time since ive blogged or even looked at this site. i swore that i wouldnt even change anything on it until i was dedicated and motivated to put something on it. this whole process has been a challenge for me. I have gone to the gym everyday for the lasy 3 weeks. i am dedicated to doing it. because i feel so guilty when i dont go. i have only missed 2 days in the last 3 weeks. but what makes me happy is that im dedicated to this. yeah its a little discouraging because the weight is coming off so slow, but i often have to remind myself that it took me a good 15 yrs to put it on so its going to take a while to take it off. i have changed my eating habits. i havent had any fast food in about 2 1/2 weeks. i have started making healthier food choices. and the funny thing is, i feel great. ive paid a gym membership to 2 clubs for over 3 yrs and never went. the reason why i stopped going is so lame, but ill share my experience with you. i had this trainer that really motivated me, and one day i went in and this lady was there subbing for him. she was a thin lady who knew she looked great. all she did was humiliate me and make me feel bad about myself. actually i let her get to me. she put 5 lbs on a machine and said well if you cant handle that much we can do something else.
i was like WTF look at my chart ive already been using 20 lb weights.. it was the whole well youre big and fat so you obviously have no drive and dont really want to be here nor are you serious about losing weight so.... i never went back. then they opened this super gym same co las vegas athletic club, near my house. so i went in. and i love it so much that i cant wait to go in and work out. the people dont make me feel self conscious. and there are tons of heavy people there working out and we all support each other.
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1/30/05- i cant believe its already a new year, and once again i have totally slacked off... at work we have started a new biggest looser of our own. we are up to 10 people. we each contributed $100, so who ever loses the most weight from now until june 10th wins the jack pot. i know i can win this. but its just soo hard to get started. i can make pretty much any excuse to not do anything but sit. I took 3 days off of work just because i didnt want to go. thats a totally separate issue in itself lol. but i cant tell if im just depressed or just lazy. i think its all kind of related. i dont want to do anything. i dont want to start anything. its so discouraging. i cant get started. if i would have stuck to this plan when i first started this web site id be in such good shape right now. i am doing this for myself. it seems like i ahve to give myself this pep talk everytime.. i know id feel so much better about myself if i lost weight. for my own health i need to. i cant even tell you what i weigh now. i think im over 300 lbs now. i can tell my body is really unhappy. my self esteem is non existant. i look at other over weight people, some morbidly obese and i wonder if thats what i look like. im tired all of the time. simple tasks such as walking upstairs, and just walking around in general make me out of breath. simple things. im going to work on some other parts of the site now. ill come back and blog later.
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11/28/04- so i log onto my computer to sit down and really get going on all of my goals. i have to for my own sake. ive got some issues going on right now, that i know are all directly related to my weight issues. i really hate this time of year. dont get me wrong. i love the season, and i love shopping for presents for my family and friends. but there is part of me that really really hates this time of year. theres an emptyness inside. and a bitterness that frustrates me in having to buy gifts because its a holiday. what do you buy for someone who already has everything? i guess my biggest problem is i want my gift to be from the heart, and not because some materialistic holiday tells me i have to. yes i am religious, and yes i know this holiday season is about much more than the shopping and gift buying, but that part of it is what frustrates me. although it isnt totally the reason im feeling the way i do. I'm unhappy. and im not sure why. i kind of have an idea, but cant exactly pinpoint it. i guess i have always had an image of myself. i have always been the responsible one. the one you could turn to for help. the one you could rely on. there isnt really anything i would do to help a friend in need. i am 28 yrs old. almost 29 ... i am an educated person. im single and not getting married any time soon, nor will i be having any kids any time soon either. i live at home after a brief stint of trying to survive on my own. my finances are a mess, and im really bad with my $. but i think alot of this has to do with my self esteem. i have a really low self esteem, and if you looked at me and saw how i interacted with my friends and family you would never know this about me. im good at hiding whats bothering me. mainly cause then i dont have to deal with it its easier that way, but in my heart i know. you know how you set goals for yourself? you have a certain plan and an idea of where youd be in 10 yrs, well its been 10 yrs since i graduated from high school. in that 10 years, i thought for sure that id lose the weight, id have a degree, a good paying job, financial security, a husband, maybe kids, a home of my own, maybe a dog... instead... yes i went to college and earned a degree in teaching. and i have a decent paying job. but thats about it. ive had 3 relationships in my life time , and probably about 1000 crushes lol. but im no closer to finding who i am not when i was 10 yrs ago. i dont know if its becasue society says i should have accomplished a certain number of things by now or what. but i do know that i am unhappy. i feel lonely and often find myself thinking about what it would be like to have something to come home to. i look at myself and think, well its fairly obvious why im still single lol lets be honest...theres nothing attractive about a 285 + lbs woman lol .. women in general are beautiful.. and there are women out there that are so comfortable with who they are and what they look like. i unfortunately am not one of them. but i wonder in my heart what it is that i am lacking. please dont take offense to this, but there are times when im out and about running errands, i see women who are much bigger than i am and they have good looking husbands, and beautiful children, or boyfriends that seem to genuinly care about them, so i ask myself, what is it that im missing? what i often find myself thinking about is, well what if i do lose the weight? are the guys going to be lining up? lol and what will it mean then? what i wasnt good enough when there was more of me to love? so what makes ya think im good enough now? lol would it be because i could sit comfortable in a seat at the movies, or walk up stairs without feeling like my heart is going to explode? i am me.. what i am is what i have to offer. so we will see where things end up. i am going to give his a good chance. i really am. the one thing that i didnt do last time was blog. i didnt really put up what i was feeling and how it was affecting me, so to me it seemed kinda superficial. this is me my emotions and feelings are here online for all to see. its kind of personal but you know it just might help someone else. so i promise to give this my best effort. nite nite
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10/18/04- today was a good day. i m feeling relly good about the changes im about to make. its all about me baby lol ok so today at work i was a little frustrated because my kids just seem to think they are grown. they always want to do what they want to do. im not sure how feel about the new schedule yet, i just know that i end the day extremely exhausted. all weekend long all i wanted to do was go to sleep. but i also know that ive been going through some wierd emotions. im not sure if its depression, or if its just feeling overwhelmed. but i feel a little bit better. ill write more about it later. nite nite
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10/17/04- ok so ive totally slacked off in regards to this site. but you know ive decided that i am going to give this a whole hearted chance. this is my health. this is my life. this is my future . i owe it to myself to give 110% to this. its really hard. we're talking about 20 yrs of bad habits. really bad habits. but i have come to find that i eat out of boredom and depression. with nothing to do, i will eat. i ate dinner today around 4:30/5:00pm . we finished eating at about 6:00pm and i havent had any of the hunger pains or anything. im not hungry, nor do i feel the need to go and eat something just because. i feel like ive had an epiphany. and im not sure how to explain it. but i feel like just for today, right here, right now, i feel much more calm, and happy. i feel content. i feel like its one foot infront of the other with no looking back. nothing in the past really matters. i didnt really get much accomplished for work. although i did read through the american journal for school counselors on a program to help the bullying problem at our school. it was pretty insightful and may even help. so now i need to talk to my administrator to see if we can get funding to have these peopl come out and do a staff development. other than that things in my life are ok for today. its getting late so i guess ill sign out for now , and write more tomorrow. nights
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